Manifestation

I recently had a conversation with a lovely woman (J.) * about manifestation. She wondered how it was that, with all her dedication to the spiritual path, she was unable to meet the basics of life. A good income, bills readily and easily paid, a nice place to live. Worry over survival lurked in the background of life. How could this be, when she had spent so much time and effort for so long on the path of clearing the inner demons from her soul?

I hear this particular story often. As J. pointed out, there is a fallacy amongst the spiritual that to be holy, one must be poor. An oath of poverty lurks in the background as an expectation. This is reinforced by the attitude of many that if a person is on spiritual path, they should not expect payment for their services – no matter how skilled they are or how useful that which is given.

It's a fine line, I think. Between, as the Buddhists recommend, not having desires that get in the way of our happiness and, on the other hand, being completely honest with ourselves about what our desires and longings actually are. The answer is contained within this seeming paradox. I notice that as we stay honest with ourselves about what's up for us, desires fall away on their own as deeper issues are resolved. Sometimes these desires get met in the basic ways that are needed, sometimes we gain insights that make the original desires seem obsolete. But, going after the desires, themselves, as a bad thing to “get rid of” misses the point.

The demons that most need to be healed are those needing the compassion of acceptance within ourselves. Only then are we led into paths of self nurturance. When we accept what we find we are best able to fully take care of ourselves and that which we are called upon to do. This kind of self-honesty leads us to take care of what is necessary in the outer world. By attending to the inner spaces with kindness, we find a reservoir of strength to do all we are called upon to do. If we try to convey an image that is not true or congruent with the depths of our own soul or psyche, we lead ourselves astray. Often, ironically, staying honest with ourselves in the areas where we have fears and/or anxieties becomes more challenging as we traverse the spiritual path. We KNOW we've tried so hard - have had such good intentions -- why, then, is there still this and this and this we are dealing with?

But, indeed, when we gaze into our soul, above all else we need to be honest. To embark on the spiritual path is to open to ever greater levels of truth. When we rush too soon to meet/fit an image of holiness we are striving to embody, we may miss the most important elements of true self-evaluation which we are being called upon to do. This means we don’t try to be peaceful, calm, or free of desires. We look to see honestly what is encumbering ourselves from the freedom of joy. Becoming ever more honest about the anxiety we feel about our very own survival is part and parcel of this path. If what we find is fear of survival, or unhappiness over how we are being taken for granted or undervalued or any such thing, this is exactly where we dwell within ourselves. With kindness, compassion and great generosity of spirit for that which we have found.

If our mind is still muddied with fear, it does no good to deny it for the sake of image. To motor over fear (or whatever) is to deny a fact of our experience. Inevitably, as the fear space is healed, the necessary desires are fulfilled and the concomitant unnecessary desires and cravings dissipate. These are not things we extinguish by mentally convincing ourselves we shouldn’t have them. To say that desires are the source of our suffering is not to say to go after them with a pickaxe to eliminate them from our psyche. That is actually a form of aversion – the counter and equal force of craving – both associated with suffering.

Above all else, noticing the edges of our own anxiety is most helpful. Anxiety is often such a subtle, deep, penetrating layer of ourselves we don't even recognize it. It just -- IS. And so, to turn to see that shadow requires an adroit self-examining. To notice the pervasive anxiety that actually drives so much of what we do and strive for. To sit in the middle of THAT --- this is to open into such freedom. To stay still in the middle of the sensation of anxiety, itself. To only love ourselves there. To stay compassionate with this yet one more thing, until we stop struggling against HAVING yet one more thing.

Focus on treating each thing you find with compassion. With love and attention and a willingness to see what adventure this desire may be calling you into. Be gracious with this most precious life you have been given to tend. When we live with compassion, all aversive emotions dissipate of their own. In our depths we ARE peace. We ARE love. And this is what we find as all the arguments against that dissipate.


*There were several individuals within a three day period who had this or very similar situation to share with me! This is an amalgamation of these events.

Note to my readers: those of you who follow this blog will wonder the outcome of my May 22nd post. I am happy to report that an adenoma was removed and found to be not cancerous. Thank you for your caring.

Process

I’ve been in quite a process. Since moving to North Carolina, my husband and I have been on a continual hunt for our new home. Not “new” necessarily, but new to us. We imagine it being the place where we settle in for the long haul and grow old together. The place where every tree we plant will bear fruit within the season of the rest of our lives.

So, we’re being careful about where we plant ourselves and these said trees. And we’re having a hard time. It seems that every beautiful place we see has an HOA with restrictions so tight they make our neck veins bulge. One so-called green development with all the right upfront standards forbids any fruits or vegetables on the grounds that the neighbors (who are apparently into a “lifestyle” that includes no implied work) might find them offensive.

Another lovely development has a list of “preapproved plants” a new inhabitant in their restricted, elite neighborhood is allowed to plant.

Well, all of this feels like a big fat oppressive thumb on my creative, puttering soul. When I look out the window and see a potential hibiscus plant blooming in the lovely breeze inviting local hummingbirds to feast right outside my kitchen window, I don’t want to have to go through a committee to get approval before I can break ground.

What I’ve realized is that, like my lovely realtor who is becoming a fast friend keeps saying, this is a process. And more importantly, I’ve realized that I don’t WANT it to be a "process”. I want it to be over already. Decided. Settled. I want to be settled. In our new home – just right and just so. Well, but life IS a process. And this is yet one more glaring example of how that is so.

One also never knows upfront what “The Process” really means. How that will play out. To what conclusion. To my astonishment, I’ve realized the process so far has led me right back to my original assertions of what I want. I am learning that to stay true to self I need to be firm in the face of resistance by others who have their ideas about what might be right for me. So – the process is a deeply internal affair. Of setting my INSIDE home straight. Of staying true to Self, and holding on until the outer matches what I most deeply care about.

As I wrap around this realization and settle in for the long haul – of the process – I realize I get so much calmer. More sane. Less frenzied and in a hurry. I’m seeing that to stay true to the deepest principle one can find inside of one’s own soul is how one stays on track. And, then, maintaining a ton of flexibility in how the details play themselves out around that. Until the whole reflects that truing mark. Sometimes in a creatively new way – but still remaining true to an internal set of deeply held values.

I’ve been amazed to see how much resistance I’ve had to letting this –or anything, really, in my life – be a process. I want to be arrived. Spiritual. Wise. And settled in my new home already.

But, this life, like that blooming hibiscus that arose in my mind’s eye, is a continually changing, ever-growing, versatile, flexible, ever-evolving – process. Having seen this, I’m smiling with the kick I can get out of it.

This. The process.

Shame

I’ve discovered that shame is the base and core of almost every non-kind thing I do. There is the first layer of recognition —of loneliness or fear or anger or feeling slighted or whatever. Then, there is the shame. When it oozes up from whatever dark depth it comes from and starts to adhere to all the other layers of thinking revolving around point ‘A’, it muddies the entire complexion of the game.

Like sticky glue, shame adheres to our soul and thinking. Thoughts goes awry in deep, cavernous places and ways such that we feel ourselves unable to attend to the most basic of wants, needs, desires. Having rendered our initial impulses as “not O.K”, we also have rendered ourselves incapable of fulfilling whatever the original need was! Hampered and hamstrung by our own thinking, magnetically pulled along the track of shame leads us ever and again into frustrated, angry silence and unfulfilled dreams and longings.

How can we ever, ever get what we want if the first utterance of telling ourselves the truth about what that might be is scuttled into the deep shame of “Forget it!”? Impossible. To tell the truth in any way is a step toward freedom, but especially as it involves ourselves. To just tell the truth upfront about original impulses as they arise – without shame – is indeed a form of liberation!

I see that to deal with the shame very directly – as the thing that most needs to heal – is the answer to many other unfulfilled dreams and desires. The first step is to recognize the falseness of early-learned messages that have burnt their way into our subconscious, telling us that the “perfection” for which we must strive is to be devoid of need, fear or longing. Giving ourselves permission to BE exactly as we are – the whole package of self – is indeed a comforting place to dwell!

Many religious doctrines and their perpetrators would shudder at this idea. Shame and fear – and instigation of self-loathing – has been a cornerpost for many to keep the fires of the faithful burning and returning people back to the hearth of the church seeking forgiveness for their mere existence. So, to find the freedom of soul that might be engendered if one is NOT shamed would purport a mass exodus from the chains that bind. It doesn’t need to be this way.

To become curious – not ashamed – of what such basic emotions as fear and anger are trying to tell us is to make life an adventure. We become unafraid to find out where we lead ourselves when unhampered by shame. To honestly want to know what it is we need; what we are trying to tell ourselves with the movement of emotions. To be not ashamed to be alive in our own skin – with all its moods, storms and weather. Whatever it takes, to free our souls from the heinous agony and anguish of shame is the beginning of a total freedom that invokes Joy and the right to proclaim that which we were meant to be. The freedom of Soul to be kind because it is Its true nature to be so. Trusting that we were created in such a way that to be our True Selves is indeed a blessing unto itself.

Happy. With ourselves and our condition in life. I also notice that I feel much more inclined to be kind to others when my own internal state burns with this fire. I’d call that a deeply moving spiritual experience of the best kind possible.