Shame

I’ve discovered that shame is the base and core of almost every non-kind thing I do. There is the first layer of recognition —of loneliness or fear or anger or feeling slighted or whatever. Then, there is the shame. When it oozes up from whatever dark depth it comes from and starts to adhere to all the other layers of thinking revolving around point ‘A’, it muddies the entire complexion of the game.

Like sticky glue, shame adheres to our soul and thinking. Thoughts goes awry in deep, cavernous places and ways such that we feel ourselves unable to attend to the most basic of wants, needs, desires. Having rendered our initial impulses as “not O.K”, we also have rendered ourselves incapable of fulfilling whatever the original need was! Hampered and hamstrung by our own thinking, magnetically pulled along the track of shame leads us ever and again into frustrated, angry silence and unfulfilled dreams and longings.

How can we ever, ever get what we want if the first utterance of telling ourselves the truth about what that might be is scuttled into the deep shame of “Forget it!”? Impossible. To tell the truth in any way is a step toward freedom, but especially as it involves ourselves. To just tell the truth upfront about original impulses as they arise – without shame – is indeed a form of liberation!

I see that to deal with the shame very directly – as the thing that most needs to heal – is the answer to many other unfulfilled dreams and desires. The first step is to recognize the falseness of early-learned messages that have burnt their way into our subconscious, telling us that the “perfection” for which we must strive is to be devoid of need, fear or longing. Giving ourselves permission to BE exactly as we are – the whole package of self – is indeed a comforting place to dwell!

Many religious doctrines and their perpetrators would shudder at this idea. Shame and fear – and instigation of self-loathing – has been a cornerpost for many to keep the fires of the faithful burning and returning people back to the hearth of the church seeking forgiveness for their mere existence. So, to find the freedom of soul that might be engendered if one is NOT shamed would purport a mass exodus from the chains that bind. It doesn’t need to be this way.

To become curious – not ashamed – of what such basic emotions as fear and anger are trying to tell us is to make life an adventure. We become unafraid to find out where we lead ourselves when unhampered by shame. To honestly want to know what it is we need; what we are trying to tell ourselves with the movement of emotions. To be not ashamed to be alive in our own skin – with all its moods, storms and weather. Whatever it takes, to free our souls from the heinous agony and anguish of shame is the beginning of a total freedom that invokes Joy and the right to proclaim that which we were meant to be. The freedom of Soul to be kind because it is Its true nature to be so. Trusting that we were created in such a way that to be our True Selves is indeed a blessing unto itself.

Happy. With ourselves and our condition in life. I also notice that I feel much more inclined to be kind to others when my own internal state burns with this fire. I’d call that a deeply moving spiritual experience of the best kind possible.

Stillness

Many of us long for respite from all the busyness of life. The hectic pace that fills our days.

How do we find calm in the middle of all that “needs to be done”? Here’s what I’ve noticed: Any circumstance, no matter how chaotic in appearance, does contain a still, quiet kernel of truth awaiting our recognition. The "eye of the storm" is aptly named. We can think in terms of staying in the presence of the "I-in-the-Center" regardless of any uproar. The eternal Self which is changeless, timeless and ever present can be our focus at any time.

It is often the chaos of our own minds that we are dealing with. When we attend to the inner spaces, many of our external circumstances clear up on their own. Sometimes having greater clarity of thought permits us to make proper choices relative to a situation. At other times clearing the misperceptions of our own mind is all that is required to see a clearer, less troublesome reality.

What does this mean: "clarity of mind"? Like a still pool with perfectly clear water, our minds reflect with a great intensity of accuracy when quiet. Quiet. Hard to even imagine in today's society, with its bustling noise. Most people are in constant stress. Yet, it is precisely in these circumstances that we most need to quiet our minds ... to be still.

If we are accustomed to nonstop activity, it may take a while to slow down enough to even notice that we have thoughts. At times it requires of us to stand apart from the busy world to remember how to be quiet.

We must start within, even in the midst of the hubbub. Especially in the hubbub. Taking a deep breath can relieve some of the tension we carry in any moment. At an even deeper level, we can breathe into the awareness of the eternal breath. Notice – just notice – the thoughts zooming by. As thoughts. Things zipping through our minds.

Not us. These thoughts are not who we are.

We are eternal in the truth of us. The deep quiet and joy of the Garden of Eden still exists, and the only requisite to get back is to come back to Center. Herein, we have begun the journey home.

Kindness

Beyond compassion, the wish for easing of suffering – lies kindness, the wish for another’s happiness.

Think about that. Oh, it’s easy for someone we really love. Someone like our child. Someone who is not in direct competition for the job we want.

And, it’s not too much of a stretch if we’re thinking globally, as in: “I wish for all beings to be happy.” Not a lot of actual, personal involvement there.

But, what about that bozo that just cut you off in traffic or stole your perfect parking spot – the one with your name on it? What about that woman at work who has undercut (or stolen) every good proposal you’ve made since you started making good proposals? What about a sibling who (as far as you can tell) hasn’t made one kind statement to you since you were born?
What about them?

The topic here is wishing for another’s happiness. Lest you think we’ve strayed too far off the subject – like maybe to another planetary system – I want to hasten to say that we’re smack dab in the middle of the territory where this sublime wish is most, exactly, relevant.

Here’s what I notice: Every single time I get upset at somebody else, I carry away the residual tension. And it festers around inside like a blistering boil. I’ve tried all sorts of remedies to ease the ouch over the years, from periodically giving them what-for (they call this “venting” in professional circles) to silently meditating on release and forgiveness and whatnot. What I find works best of all is to just slide into the mantra of wishing for kindness to all involved.

The magic in this is “to all involved”. This includes me. Kindness. To me, too.

Because what I’ve noticed is that all are involved – in whatever whishes I’m extending. And being pissed off at somebody does harbor some intentions, conscious or not.

This is not to say certain events or people won’t frizzle our feathers. It’s just that this can invoke a broad array of possible responses, some better designed for our own health and wellbeing than others. And kindness, as a constitutional stance, brings with it the benefit we ourselves can reap: of feeling wrapped in kindness, too.

All kinds of amazing thing happen then. Like -- forgiveness. Which happens like an effortless glide on the track of this intended kindness. What has seemed difficult before happens as an automatic next step once we activate this track.

Like a tag on a Yogi Tea bag I recently had said, “The only tool you need is kindness”. This is my cup of tea.

Getting Rid of Ego

I recently heard a spiritual pundit admonish his audience to “rid themselves of ego”.

Call it ego, but this runs counter to what I find helpful. I like what Jack Kornfield says: “Enlightenment must be lived here and now through this very body or else it is not genuine.” Not that the body is the ego, but we do feel the many nuances of our “ego” in the body. Every fear we have, every thought, every miff is defined in the body as the sensations we experience. It is through our bodies that we recognize ourselves as individuals in the vast mix of life on this planet. Self who is separate. This sense of being separate defines, in loose parlance, our ego.

It instantly gets complicated.

Because the thoughts and beliefs we embody as a separate self are often cluttered with debris of prior traumas and unkind things taught to us (about ourselves). And every single thought or idea we’ve embraced as part of that “self-who-is-separate” gets involved in every future interaction we have in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Fears get compounded and aggravated by experiences that line up with our worst thoughts about ourselves and/or life.

Here’s what I’ve noticed. Unless I am really gentle with that place in me that gets all riled up with these threats-to-myself, it only makes matters worse. If I pound on my fear – my ego – with the stern hand of one who is trying to get me in line, to eliminate all this malarkey, I REALLY quake inside. And then go into hiding so I won't notice.

The brutal voice of “reason” is, itself, only another manifestation of ego, of course. That which is separate who “knows” how we “should” be. But, it, too, needs kindness. If we turn around and get into a big fat argument with that part of ourselves it quickly escalates into an all-out war.

See what I mean about being complicated?

So, I notice that the remedy on every front turns out to be kindness. Those Buddhists are on to something when they talk about loving-kindness. It IS the way out. By being gentle and curious, patient and kind, with every single aspect of ourselves that shows up bruised, broken and afraid, we stand a chance for the deep healing we crave. We find we can stand up without fear in this vast world of ours. To take up space and breathe some precious air. To smile and be brave and glad we’re alive.

As the separate entities that we – at least for now – are.

Toxic People

As I’ve moved ever deeper into my calling, place and voice there are those I’m ditching for the sake of my wellbeing. I won’t be, for instance, giving my bile-belching siblings my forwarding address when we relocate to our new home. I’ve finally realized that some people are genetically programmed to discount me (I’m being gentle, here), and it doesn’t matter if they were born to the same parents as me. I had a dear friend and counselor ask me once, “Are you sure these are your siblings?”

Indeed.

This leads directly to the point I want to make here. Don’t be confused by names, titles, relationship or pedigree lines. Anyone – and I mean anyone – who leaves you feeling crushed like last year’s fallen leaves in the compost bin is not good for you.

They might have their own best friends and they might even tie their friends' shoe laces for them when their backs are gimped up. It doesn’t matter. If you feel like yesterday’s chewed gum when they’re around, then they’re bad for you. And that is the litmus test for deciding if somebody belongs in your own personal portfolio of friends-you-want-to-share-the-room with. Or the phone line. Or maybe even the same planet or at least continent.

Perhaps you are tortured by an idea of spiritual acceptance that renders your life as sacrificial fodder for the sadistic twists of others. I struggled for years under that delusional umbrella. But, no more.

Just think what your glorious life can do to bless the earth if it’s not all twisted up and crumpled like fallen gum wrappers?

Don’t sell yourself out like that. It’s a form of collusion with the devil to maim your own gentle spirit in the name of serving another, who – frankly – sees you as sticky goo under their sole.

Here’s what I know: When you’ve discovered someone is toxic to your soul, you really do need to stop inviting them to your dinner parties. Because they will always – and always – bring along a side of rat poison, sometimes cleverly dressed up as the most beautiful cranberry relish, made “just for yeuuw”.

When you’ve gagged this stuff down as many times as I have and been green-sick for days after, you come to realize that the potion they carefully custom fit “just for you” was taken from a book of Ill-Will.

Drop them.

Come back alive. We really, really want you that way.

Constriction and the fight mentality

Excerpt from The Heart of Healing, by Mary Ann Wallace, MD*

True emotional wellness comes when you allow every single flavor of energy movement in the body, which means that every emotion must find its natural voice. When you begin to pay attention to your mental patterns, you will begin to notice a relationship between the thoughts you are thinking and the emotions you are carrying. Then you will begin to notice an interrelationship among your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical structure. For example, if you experience chronic fear or anger, your body will begin to reflect constriction, and the sensations associated with that constriction sooner or later can become pain. If you pay attention, your emotions can provide clues through your body to what is getting in the way of your free and authentic interaction with life. In fact, you possess the best biofeedback mechanism on the planet!

The quality of emotion or bodily sensation you experience in response to different life situations depends on your belief system. Problems arise when beliefs, and the resulting constriction, take over. Whatever your beliefs are, they typically reflect a recurring theme, and the storyline can be recognized in our cultural archetypes and myths. A first step in moving beyond the storyline is recognizing that you hold different elements of it within the physical structure of your body.


Find The Heart of Healing at www.amazon.com/author/mawallace or any bookstore on request.

Contentment

Contentment has become a throw-away word, nearly synonymous with complacent. After decades of mind-altering advertising designed explicitly to keep us discontent for the sake of provoking consumption, we need to stop and look at this.

Joanna Macy points out that we need a “ -- great turning of human consciousness. We are going to have to want different things, seek different pleasures, pursue different goals than those that have been driving us and our global economy.”

Imagine ---- being content. How would that be? Just – rest with that for a while.

I’ve noticed that gratitude is such a close cousin to contentment that any time I’ve ever sat at the kitchen table in Contentment’s house for very long, gratitude has come knocking. And when she comes bursting in through the door, the whole house rolicks!

All kinds of zany things start happening. Joy. Inspiration, even! Jumping up to call someone just to tell them how much I appreciate them in my life!

And – a sense of having so much. Abundance.

More than anything, we need a cultural attitude shift.
Let contentment come sit with you awhile.
It’s bad for consumerism.

And really, really good for our world.