Beyond what our mothers taught us

[An excerpt from a book I am writing]

Peggy Tabor Millin in her book, Women, Writing, and Soul-Making, asks: “Why is it that women disown their genius, have so much trouble claiming it, and can be swept off by the smallest current of criticism? Are we so born to pleasing others that we do not know who we are, cannot find that inner thread unless it is handed to us?”

There are many mythologies that separate us from ourselves. The myth(s) regarding women is one of the most insidious and pervasive. Almost all religions are patriarchal. It wasn’t always this way, but it has been long enough to seem like “basic reality”. The rules of patriarchy and patriarchal religions automatically create a sense of “less-than” for women. Most of the rules in these religions apply to and for men. The need to tone down a pervasive arrogant ego implies there IS a “dominating ego”. The issue for most women by and large has to do with egos so shattered they don’t even know who they are outside of the roles they play in making others OK. Although this still speaks to the need for reducing the influence of a “negative ego”, the ego of which we speak for women is most often that inner voice of self-condemnation. It requires a different medicine. And going at it with the pickaxe of judgment just does more harm to an already injured place inside of us.

Many women grew up under the influence of mothers who were steeped in the deepest brine of this matter. Barb told me that the hardest part about living with her mother was that “it was sad and depressing. Not much joy. I knew she was unhappy. I felt bad for her. I constantly felt that I wasn’t good enough. I learned to keep things hidden, be quiet, to be embarrassed about who I was.” Lynette said, “It was hard to see my mother suffer. She dealt with so many issues: the loss of her mother, the infidelity of my father, the loss of my brother, her son. My father started drinking, and she couldn’t cope any more. Even so, she never took it out on us and maintained a ‘smile through adversity’.”

On the other hand, ironically, sometimes the very love that our mothers provide to us leaves us feeling “less than” in ways that may be surprising to those who grew up without a sense of safe haven with their mothers. Lanelle describes her mother as “so much a mother, constantly helping and present – supporting. I felt taken care of. But – I also felt less than some times – she was so good at anything and I often felt like I was not doing enough. There was a detriment of her doing all for me. I didn’t learn to persevere or figure things out so well.”

The cultural milieu and myths in which we grow up influence us in one way or another. Our mothers, of course, had this same paradigm in which to grow, survive and (amazingly) sometimes thrive. In many ways, the relationship we have with our mothers invokes the most basic Buddhist principle of learning to neither cling nor push away the reality in which we dwell. It is notable that within mother-daughter relationships, the syndrome of “never being enough” came about whether our mothers were too critical, or too helpful. This seems reasonable when our moms were constantly finding fault with us. But it is interesting that this syndrome can also arise within the context of our mothers being so good that we never feel we can compare favorably to her.

The cultural milieu in which we grew was the same, by and large, as that of our mothers. We were ALL taught – in one way or another – that as a woman we needed to earn love by being nice in the way women had to be. To placate, make OK for others. Spirituality in men’s terms has women as their helpmates. There is no mention of women in their own right under these doctrines. Our culture reflects the same more.

One ironic answer is to embrace. Use that which IS our inherent strength – for the good it can do us all. Embrace the mother we had – who did the best she could. And – most importantly, embrace ourselves – in the moment, doing the best WE can. Like in Tai Chi, we move WITH the energy of what we do best, but learn to include ourselves in the matrix of receiving as well as giving. The only way we can make the maxim, “it is in giving that we receive” really work is if we also really receive!

Learning to turn the spotlight of nourishment on our own parched souls may take some time of unlearning some of the most harsh rules we live by. But it is essential for our wellbeing.

Ego

There is some confusion, I think, about the definition of “ego”. Psychology, as a field, has stressed for some time the need to develop a strong ego – a sense of self identification – as a major component for a healthy psyche. The ability to define self as separate from others is seen as essential to keep from falling into abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationships in which our ability to make healthy choices for ourselves is deficient.

In apparent contrast, spiritual circles of all stripes tend to urge their followers to reduce the demands of ego, to think of others before oneself, or even instead of oneself.

How to sort all of this out?

I’ve come to see the topic of “ego” as less important than the awareness of how one sees oneself in relation to others and the world. This may be more a topic of self image, as it were. If we embrace the notion that we are all interconnected with one another and with a common origin of Life Itself (by whatever name we call it), we glimpse the truest meaning of being free of ego. Meaning, we realize that no action or thought we have is devoid of impact of/on the whole, because we are never really separate.

Having said that, we do have some square inches of territory we call the “self” over which we seem to have some unique control and choice. This, by definition, we could call “ego”. That sense of ourselves as separate enough from the whole that we can exert some choice and direction.

Herein we begin to run into the arena of how we deal with this “self-who-is-separate”. Do we berate her? Support her? Make healthy or unhealthy choices for her? And, all these decision points seem to revolve around those aforementioned messages we’ve absorbed about “self” in the first place.

To the extent that we extend kindness, compassion and gentle regard for the one we call self, we give ourselves a chance to succeed in a good way on this planet, Earth. If, instead, we feel it our obligation to “keep ourselves in line”, to punish ourselves for every little perceived transgression (as defined, usually, by some outside authority), we will be running scared and deficient from every opportunity as victims of our own minds. We are often taught to do this in the name of helping us be “better” people.

When we think about it, it is a form of hypocrisy to treat others better than we treat ourselves. It is just as odious as thinking of ourselves as the ONLY ones who matter. If we, in contrasting notion, think of ourselves as the only one who doesn’t matter – we’ve committed the same “crime” against humanity.

What one person can we consider as “less than” in our regard for health and wellbeing? If we make our one being that exception, we have still harmed a part of life.

Getting Rid of Ego

I recently heard a spiritual pundit admonish his audience to “rid themselves of ego”.

Call it ego, but this runs counter to what I find helpful. I like what Jack Kornfield says: “Enlightenment must be lived here and now through this very body or else it is not genuine.” Not that the body is the ego, but we do feel the many nuances of our “ego” in the body. Every fear we have, every thought, every miff is defined in the body as the sensations we experience. It is through our bodies that we recognize ourselves as individuals in the vast mix of life on this planet. Self who is separate. This sense of being separate defines, in loose parlance, our ego.

It instantly gets complicated.

Because the thoughts and beliefs we embody as a separate self are often cluttered with debris of prior traumas and unkind things taught to us (about ourselves). And every single thought or idea we’ve embraced as part of that “self-who-is-separate” gets involved in every future interaction we have in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Fears get compounded and aggravated by experiences that line up with our worst thoughts about ourselves and/or life.

Here’s what I’ve noticed. Unless I am really gentle with that place in me that gets all riled up with these threats-to-myself, it only makes matters worse. If I pound on my fear – my ego – with the stern hand of one who is trying to get me in line, to eliminate all this malarkey, I REALLY quake inside. And then go into hiding so I won't notice.

The brutal voice of “reason” is, itself, only another manifestation of ego, of course. That which is separate who “knows” how we “should” be. But, it, too, needs kindness. If we turn around and get into a big fat argument with that part of ourselves it quickly escalates into an all-out war.

See what I mean about being complicated?

So, I notice that the remedy on every front turns out to be kindness. Those Buddhists are on to something when they talk about loving-kindness. It IS the way out. By being gentle and curious, patient and kind, with every single aspect of ourselves that shows up bruised, broken and afraid, we stand a chance for the deep healing we crave. We find we can stand up without fear in this vast world of ours. To take up space and breathe some precious air. To smile and be brave and glad we’re alive.

As the separate entities that we – at least for now – are.