Kindness

Beyond compassion, the wish for easing of suffering – lies kindness, the wish for another’s happiness.

Think about that. Oh, it’s easy for someone we really love. Someone like our child. Someone who is not in direct competition for the job we want.

And, it’s not too much of a stretch if we’re thinking globally, as in: “I wish for all beings to be happy.” Not a lot of actual, personal involvement there.

But, what about that bozo that just cut you off in traffic or stole your perfect parking spot – the one with your name on it? What about that woman at work who has undercut (or stolen) every good proposal you’ve made since you started making good proposals? What about a sibling who (as far as you can tell) hasn’t made one kind statement to you since you were born?
What about them?

The topic here is wishing for another’s happiness. Lest you think we’ve strayed too far off the subject – like maybe to another planetary system – I want to hasten to say that we’re smack dab in the middle of the territory where this sublime wish is most, exactly, relevant.

Here’s what I notice: Every single time I get upset at somebody else, I carry away the residual tension. And it festers around inside like a blistering boil. I’ve tried all sorts of remedies to ease the ouch over the years, from periodically giving them what-for (they call this “venting” in professional circles) to silently meditating on release and forgiveness and whatnot. What I find works best of all is to just slide into the mantra of wishing for kindness to all involved.

The magic in this is “to all involved”. This includes me. Kindness. To me, too.

Because what I’ve noticed is that all are involved – in whatever whishes I’m extending. And being pissed off at somebody does harbor some intentions, conscious or not.

This is not to say certain events or people won’t frizzle our feathers. It’s just that this can invoke a broad array of possible responses, some better designed for our own health and wellbeing than others. And kindness, as a constitutional stance, brings with it the benefit we ourselves can reap: of feeling wrapped in kindness, too.

All kinds of amazing thing happen then. Like -- forgiveness. Which happens like an effortless glide on the track of this intended kindness. What has seemed difficult before happens as an automatic next step once we activate this track.

Like a tag on a Yogi Tea bag I recently had said, “The only tool you need is kindness”. This is my cup of tea.

Getting Rid of Ego

I recently heard a spiritual pundit admonish his audience to “rid themselves of ego”.

Call it ego, but this runs counter to what I find helpful. I like what Jack Kornfield says: “Enlightenment must be lived here and now through this very body or else it is not genuine.” Not that the body is the ego, but we do feel the many nuances of our “ego” in the body. Every fear we have, every thought, every miff is defined in the body as the sensations we experience. It is through our bodies that we recognize ourselves as individuals in the vast mix of life on this planet. Self who is separate. This sense of being separate defines, in loose parlance, our ego.

It instantly gets complicated.

Because the thoughts and beliefs we embody as a separate self are often cluttered with debris of prior traumas and unkind things taught to us (about ourselves). And every single thought or idea we’ve embraced as part of that “self-who-is-separate” gets involved in every future interaction we have in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Fears get compounded and aggravated by experiences that line up with our worst thoughts about ourselves and/or life.

Here’s what I’ve noticed. Unless I am really gentle with that place in me that gets all riled up with these threats-to-myself, it only makes matters worse. If I pound on my fear – my ego – with the stern hand of one who is trying to get me in line, to eliminate all this malarkey, I REALLY quake inside. And then go into hiding so I won't notice.

The brutal voice of “reason” is, itself, only another manifestation of ego, of course. That which is separate who “knows” how we “should” be. But, it, too, needs kindness. If we turn around and get into a big fat argument with that part of ourselves it quickly escalates into an all-out war.

See what I mean about being complicated?

So, I notice that the remedy on every front turns out to be kindness. Those Buddhists are on to something when they talk about loving-kindness. It IS the way out. By being gentle and curious, patient and kind, with every single aspect of ourselves that shows up bruised, broken and afraid, we stand a chance for the deep healing we crave. We find we can stand up without fear in this vast world of ours. To take up space and breathe some precious air. To smile and be brave and glad we’re alive.

As the separate entities that we – at least for now – are.

Toxic People

As I’ve moved ever deeper into my calling, place and voice there are those I’m ditching for the sake of my wellbeing. I won’t be, for instance, giving my bile-belching siblings my forwarding address when we relocate to our new home. I’ve finally realized that some people are genetically programmed to discount me (I’m being gentle, here), and it doesn’t matter if they were born to the same parents as me. I had a dear friend and counselor ask me once, “Are you sure these are your siblings?”

Indeed.

This leads directly to the point I want to make here. Don’t be confused by names, titles, relationship or pedigree lines. Anyone – and I mean anyone – who leaves you feeling crushed like last year’s fallen leaves in the compost bin is not good for you.

They might have their own best friends and they might even tie their friends' shoe laces for them when their backs are gimped up. It doesn’t matter. If you feel like yesterday’s chewed gum when they’re around, then they’re bad for you. And that is the litmus test for deciding if somebody belongs in your own personal portfolio of friends-you-want-to-share-the-room with. Or the phone line. Or maybe even the same planet or at least continent.

Perhaps you are tortured by an idea of spiritual acceptance that renders your life as sacrificial fodder for the sadistic twists of others. I struggled for years under that delusional umbrella. But, no more.

Just think what your glorious life can do to bless the earth if it’s not all twisted up and crumpled like fallen gum wrappers?

Don’t sell yourself out like that. It’s a form of collusion with the devil to maim your own gentle spirit in the name of serving another, who – frankly – sees you as sticky goo under their sole.

Here’s what I know: When you’ve discovered someone is toxic to your soul, you really do need to stop inviting them to your dinner parties. Because they will always – and always – bring along a side of rat poison, sometimes cleverly dressed up as the most beautiful cranberry relish, made “just for yeuuw”.

When you’ve gagged this stuff down as many times as I have and been green-sick for days after, you come to realize that the potion they carefully custom fit “just for you” was taken from a book of Ill-Will.

Drop them.

Come back alive. We really, really want you that way.

Constriction and the fight mentality

Excerpt from The Heart of Healing, by Mary Ann Wallace, MD*

True emotional wellness comes when you allow every single flavor of energy movement in the body, which means that every emotion must find its natural voice. When you begin to pay attention to your mental patterns, you will begin to notice a relationship between the thoughts you are thinking and the emotions you are carrying. Then you will begin to notice an interrelationship among your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical structure. For example, if you experience chronic fear or anger, your body will begin to reflect constriction, and the sensations associated with that constriction sooner or later can become pain. If you pay attention, your emotions can provide clues through your body to what is getting in the way of your free and authentic interaction with life. In fact, you possess the best biofeedback mechanism on the planet!

The quality of emotion or bodily sensation you experience in response to different life situations depends on your belief system. Problems arise when beliefs, and the resulting constriction, take over. Whatever your beliefs are, they typically reflect a recurring theme, and the storyline can be recognized in our cultural archetypes and myths. A first step in moving beyond the storyline is recognizing that you hold different elements of it within the physical structure of your body.


Find The Heart of Healing at www.amazon.com/author/mawallace or any bookstore on request.

Contentment

Contentment has become a throw-away word, nearly synonymous with complacent. After decades of mind-altering advertising designed explicitly to keep us discontent for the sake of provoking consumption, we need to stop and look at this.

Joanna Macy points out that we need a “ -- great turning of human consciousness. We are going to have to want different things, seek different pleasures, pursue different goals than those that have been driving us and our global economy.”

Imagine ---- being content. How would that be? Just – rest with that for a while.

I’ve noticed that gratitude is such a close cousin to contentment that any time I’ve ever sat at the kitchen table in Contentment’s house for very long, gratitude has come knocking. And when she comes bursting in through the door, the whole house rolicks!

All kinds of zany things start happening. Joy. Inspiration, even! Jumping up to call someone just to tell them how much I appreciate them in my life!

And – a sense of having so much. Abundance.

More than anything, we need a cultural attitude shift.
Let contentment come sit with you awhile.
It’s bad for consumerism.

And really, really good for our world.

Change from Peace

I hear from you: so many who are feeling the stress of deep change in and on our planet right now. Many familiar systems that are in place are simply not sustainable. And – what can we really do to make a difference? The feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming; the despair crippling.

I suggest what may seem radical in the face of this despair.

Surrender.

Surrendering into the suchness of this moment does not mean resignation to the circumstances. Finding legitimate gratitude and joy where we are does not mean disowning, suppressing or repressing aspects of our situation we find painful. Staying astutely honest with ourselves about all the facets of our experience most aptly enables us to make the changes we need for our well-being.

Being at peace where we are does not mean it will not and cannot change. In fact, it is safe to say it will. All things do. To stay awake to the opportunities for active choices and decisions that are kind to us and our planet in the face of the continual flux that life is – is precisely what steers us where we next need to be, to do that which we most need to do. The circumstance of the moment is our truing tool.

The present moment we most need to accept is that moment which is our-self. Our experience in this moment – right now. Wrapping around our experience with compassionate acceptance gives us the space we need, to live through that which is in us to be.

Stay with your sensations. Embrace them. Be curious about them. Inquire, “Yes, what am I to know here?”

Only by developing a kind inner space will we ever effect lasting change for good on the planet. It is the only way we can make choices based on peace. Agitation begets agitation. Action that arises from a center of peace is on the mark. Always.

Allow the healing of the pain within you in this moment. In every moment in which it appears. Accept. Embrace. Allow space. FEAD1 it differently. Create a safe space in which you can live in peace with yourself.

Be the center of Peace we all need. It is such an important thing you can do. For all of us.

1 http://www.maryanniyer.com/articlesbydr.iye.html. FEAD Yourself a Different Way.

Change

It has become nearly common knowledge that when a caterpillar hides itself in a chrysalis to metamorph into a butterfly, it decomposes completely. From this soup of apparently random cells come progenitor cells, called imaginal cells, which find one another in such a way that a new cohesive pattern is formed. A butterfly. In the cosmos is contained the plan – the blue print – for this new form to take shape.

In like fashion, every decomposing leaf, trunk and body can be seen to be returning to the chrysalis womb of the great Mother, Earth, to be reshaped into the cellular pattern of that which is waiting to be formed from those particular cells. All matter is imaginal. Transforming yet again and again into new forms of the Cosmos’ imagining.

What is seldom mentioned in the butterfly story is that the original caterpillar cells put up a fight. There is some initial struggle when the newly christened imaginal cells reach out to find one another in that soup. Some are killed in this battle. Eventually, they do coalesce, and that which is to be does emerge, but beneath the hardened shell of that chrysalis the newly created butterfly had to ward off the efforts of the dying caterpillar to maintain itself before it could successfully find its own new form.

I imagine personal and societal change must surely follow this same pattern. If you are experiencing discord and turmoil in your life; if you know change needs to happen but you feel yourself clinging to some outmoded past, give your imaginal cells a boost.

Imagine yourself as that butterfly you are longing to be. Imagine the world as that place where you want to be. And see how you fit into that new pattern.

Then – live it. It is what you are here to do.