Power Over

This is an excerpt from a book I am currently writing:

Although this book focuses on the differences women and men experience in training our egos along gender lines, I want to make clear that the biggest factor needing attention is the mental structure behind this training. There are many clear biological differences between males and females. Only women bear children. Men are usually physically stronger. Our capabilities are inherently skewed differently.

This variability is not a problem, in and of itself. The challenge that faces us as a species and as individuals lies in the framework by which we define worth. For quite some time, in most cultures and religions, there are massive inequalities in what we define as having value that tend to fall along gender lines. In most cultures and nearly all religions, women are framed as objects owned by men – somewhat like cattle or houses. But this is representative of a deeper value system going on. There is what could be called a “Power-over” mentality that shows up not just in gender pools. Corporations are seen as entities with “rights” equal to or greater than the individual humans who populate and sustain them. Financial “entities” are granted assistance that human individuals are denied. Governments claim the right to own their citizens, and control them accordingly. Individuals (usually men) who have money are seen as not only more privileged, but superior in every way to those who have less.

This “power-over” mentality leads to oppression and suppression of what could be considered the feminine, if we define feminine as being the values of cooperation, nurturance and respect for all life. That which is soft, yielding and which loves. This is not just a gender-based value-system, but it is true that women have been recognized to harbor these values at a deeper level simply due to our inherent gender differences, and it is true that women have been debased as a gender along these lines. Being soft or yielding is construed as being weak. Emotions are relegated to an inferior role as less than mental acuity. An authentic expression of grief or sadness is discounted as a “pity party”. When someone cries, it may be that they are “just feeling sorry for themselves”. It may also be that they are giving vent to genuine grief, needing expression.

These sorts of judgments are made by both men and women, but decry the full range of our existence and capabilities. Emotional intelligence has gone missing for the sake of intellectual. IQ is defined as the basis for all intelligence, and only that which is logical is deemed of any worth. An intuitive, heart-centric way of life is considered frilly at best; stupid by some.

What needs to change is for the sake of both men and women. This is not about replacing men with women in positions of power. It is about changing the entire power matrix to disallow power-over oppression – under any condition or by any excuse. No living entity can be seen as “less-than” in the matrix of life for us to have the profound shift we need in our consciousness to heal what ails us as a species at this time.

All things pass

I’ve had lots of opportunity in recent months to reflect on my relationship with instability. Our move across the country was punctuated by a robbery in Selma, CA, a car accident in Santa Rosa, NM and a severe migraine that left me five pounds lighter by the time we arrived on the East Coast. It was a transformative trip. Since then, the challenges of finding a house and the recent scare of colon cancer (that turned out to be an adenoma, not cancer) have driven home the awareness of our fragility and the temporary nature of all things.

In all of this, the background cadence of “this, too, will pass” has been a soothing drum-beat. At no time has it felt like there was a “mistake”, or an omen of a wrong turn or punishment for some things not done “right”. And, through each event, a goodness ensued. Beyond the obvious relief I felt from the pathology report being noncancerous is the joy I feel in knowing without a doubt that I am so unafraid of death. Only by staring it in the face for a few days as a real near-term possibility could I have arrived at the solidity of this knowing.

The loss of the many things on our trip across country left us even more aware of what matters to us – and grateful for what we do have. The difficulty finding a home served to both strengthen my resolve to not sell myself short under the pressure of compromise, and introduced us to a fantastic builder with whom we can actually create what we want.

I notice that any given circumstance can open to greater awareness, rather than feel like oppression that just won’t stop. Often in my professional life I have met individuals who seem to prefer maintaining their status quo, miserable though it is, over making the changes necessary to create true and lasting peace for themselves. On some level, our gut knows full well when the habits, relationships or situations we are in are hurtful. We know when we hurt. In an odd, paradoxical way, this is sometimes part of the attraction. Why is that?

There is no simple answer to this. But it may be helpful to consider a few thoughts. If we look closely, we see that there are sometimes hidden, presumed benefits from our pain and struggle. Being seen as a victim has a lot of bennies associated with it. For one, we get attention. For some this may be the only way they know to establish their worth in the world. Overcoming the victim stance requires great strength and courage because it has to be one of the most ennobled positions in the world. Victimhood is sinuously close to martyrdom, a revered state in many cultures. The trouble is, to keep getting the benefits associated with being a victim, we have to keep reinventing the drama of it – and experiencing the dastardly consequences.

There are indeed sometimes difficult circumstances in the world we must face. It is the way of this planet for all events and situations to come and go. Some are painful in their occurrence; some in their passing. How we frame these events in the matrix of our own psyche depends in large part on our acceptance of our experience as we have it. So long as we explain the passing events of our time as “our fault” or “punishment” or some other judgment–based picture, we will suffer an added blow to the original experience. Again and again, until we see it differently.

When we realize deeply that the ways of this world are in constant flux and that our experiences are potential openings to greater self-awareness, understanding, depth and acceptance, all these plays of our lives take on a different meaning. We learn to be curious about the event, and open to our experience. We learn to love ourselves in it all, and embrace ever again the possibility of deepening contact with that most precious ongoingness of life, Itself. Underneath all this is the fluid self-acceptance we can find by knowing that we, too, are temporary on this earth. We matter as we are – right now.

Noticing that all things – for better or for worse – are temporary phenomena is powerful medicine for overcoming resentment. Living in gratitude for the moments we do have – as we have them – is a payoff that beats victimhood hands down.