I’ve been reflecting on the number of people I’ve held hostage in my life. Mind you, most of them don’t know this. These are people who are busy living their own lives, completely unaware that the images of their selves are serving a dual function on the planet.
But they’re here, all right. Right here in my mind. In service to one or another mental complex in which they play key roles.
I came to this discovery the other day when I realized that when I feel good about myself, I almost always have somebody in my mind that I’m helping. Well, now. That means that there always has to be somebody who NEEDs something from me.
This, oddly enough, is also something I complain about a fair amount. “All these people who only want to relate to me if they know they can get something from me.”
Every mental gyration I get caught in has somebody else involved – in the fabric of my mind. When I am angry? There is always somebody in my mind who is on the receiving end. Fearful? It is of a person or situation. Always.
I’ve begun a practice which is enormously freeing.
Every time I catch myself in one of these mind traps – in which I am royally helping this that or the other person “because they need it”, I stop. I say to them, (which is really to myself) –– “You are free. You are free to live your own life, not in service to my mind or ideas.” I’ve been doing this practice with every single sort of emotional complex I can find. When my mind is stuck in an angry voice toward someone – “You’re free.” The fear in the belly when I’m thinking about such and such? “Go live your life. You don’t need to dwell in the cave of my mind any more.” Gone.
This is incredibly powerful. And I find I am getting lighter and lighter.
Who am I, really, to hold these people hostage to the maladaptive thought processes in which they play such a pivotal role? Who am I to make them objects – pawns – in such an insane bit of internal warfare? I notice that I’ve been buying acceptance on the backs of people needing me for an awfully long time. And that I need someone to be angry at – if I am to be angry. Someone or something to be afraid of – if I am to feel fear.
We all suffer in that mix.
If I want anybody to accept me for who I really am – I have to show up. As me. Pure and simple. Not as “just” the person carrying the basket with the goodies to make others feel good. Yes, I may have a basket. And I may gladly share. But at not at my own expense. I am here, too.
If I am to be free of the anger that poisons mainly me – I have to give permission to each and every person to be living their lives free of the role I’m trying to put them in. (This is not to be confused with becoming a Pollyanna, BTW. It, paradoxically, also frees ME up to choose wisely in regards to others’ habits. To be kind to me, too.)
It is really nice. Freeing. For me.
And I notice, amazingly, that when/as I do this, I ENJOY showing up for and with others – exactly where they are! Sometimes words are said that ARE helpful. But there is a bigger energy matrix feeding it all and us all. No need for a vertical axis between humans in this mix, because we are ALL nourished by the same stream. And words shared, advice given, the listening ear – all of it shares equally in the dharma of life.
I find that, in giving others permission to be in their lives as they see fit, I also have the freedom to be wise about what I need and with whom I feel the best. The most comfortable; the most supported; the most real, giving and genuine.
It is freeing. For all of us.
Mary Ann Iyer, MD
Showing posts with label freedom of thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freedom of thinking. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Shame
I’ve discovered that shame is the base and core of almost every non-kind thing I do. There is the first layer of recognition —of loneliness or fear or anger or feeling slighted or whatever. Then, there is the shame. When it oozes up from whatever dark depth it comes from and starts to adhere to all the other layers of thinking revolving around point ‘A’, it muddies the entire complexion of the game.
Like sticky glue, shame adheres to our soul and thinking. Thoughts goes awry in deep, cavernous places and ways such that we feel ourselves unable to attend to the most basic of wants, needs, desires. Having rendered our initial impulses as “not O.K”, we also have rendered ourselves incapable of fulfilling whatever the original need was! Hampered and hamstrung by our own thinking, magnetically pulled along the track of shame leads us ever and again into frustrated, angry silence and unfulfilled dreams and longings.
How can we ever, ever get what we want if the first utterance of telling ourselves the truth about what that might be is scuttled into the deep shame of “Forget it!”? Impossible. To tell the truth in any way is a step toward freedom, but especially as it involves ourselves. To just tell the truth upfront about original impulses as they arise – without shame – is indeed a form of liberation!
I see that to deal with the shame very directly – as the thing that most needs to heal – is the answer to many other unfulfilled dreams and desires. The first step is to recognize the falseness of early-learned messages that have burnt their way into our subconscious, telling us that the “perfection” for which we must strive is to be devoid of need, fear or longing. Giving ourselves permission to BE exactly as we are – the whole package of self – is indeed a comforting place to dwell!
Many religious doctrines and their perpetrators would shudder at this idea. Shame and fear – and instigation of self-loathing – has been a cornerpost for many to keep the fires of the faithful burning and returning people back to the hearth of the church seeking forgiveness for their mere existence. So, to find the freedom of soul that might be engendered if one is NOT shamed would purport a mass exodus from the chains that bind. It doesn’t need to be this way.
To become curious – not ashamed – of what such basic emotions as fear and anger are trying to tell us is to make life an adventure. We become unafraid to find out where we lead ourselves when unhampered by shame. To honestly want to know what it is we need; what we are trying to tell ourselves with the movement of emotions. To be not ashamed to be alive in our own skin – with all its moods, storms and weather. Whatever it takes, to free our souls from the heinous agony and anguish of shame is the beginning of a total freedom that invokes Joy and the right to proclaim that which we were meant to be. The freedom of Soul to be kind because it is Its true nature to be so. Trusting that we were created in such a way that to be our True Selves is indeed a blessing unto itself.
Happy. With ourselves and our condition in life. I also notice that I feel much more inclined to be kind to others when my own internal state burns with this fire. I’d call that a deeply moving spiritual experience of the best kind possible.
Like sticky glue, shame adheres to our soul and thinking. Thoughts goes awry in deep, cavernous places and ways such that we feel ourselves unable to attend to the most basic of wants, needs, desires. Having rendered our initial impulses as “not O.K”, we also have rendered ourselves incapable of fulfilling whatever the original need was! Hampered and hamstrung by our own thinking, magnetically pulled along the track of shame leads us ever and again into frustrated, angry silence and unfulfilled dreams and longings.
How can we ever, ever get what we want if the first utterance of telling ourselves the truth about what that might be is scuttled into the deep shame of “Forget it!”? Impossible. To tell the truth in any way is a step toward freedom, but especially as it involves ourselves. To just tell the truth upfront about original impulses as they arise – without shame – is indeed a form of liberation!
I see that to deal with the shame very directly – as the thing that most needs to heal – is the answer to many other unfulfilled dreams and desires. The first step is to recognize the falseness of early-learned messages that have burnt their way into our subconscious, telling us that the “perfection” for which we must strive is to be devoid of need, fear or longing. Giving ourselves permission to BE exactly as we are – the whole package of self – is indeed a comforting place to dwell!
Many religious doctrines and their perpetrators would shudder at this idea. Shame and fear – and instigation of self-loathing – has been a cornerpost for many to keep the fires of the faithful burning and returning people back to the hearth of the church seeking forgiveness for their mere existence. So, to find the freedom of soul that might be engendered if one is NOT shamed would purport a mass exodus from the chains that bind. It doesn’t need to be this way.
To become curious – not ashamed – of what such basic emotions as fear and anger are trying to tell us is to make life an adventure. We become unafraid to find out where we lead ourselves when unhampered by shame. To honestly want to know what it is we need; what we are trying to tell ourselves with the movement of emotions. To be not ashamed to be alive in our own skin – with all its moods, storms and weather. Whatever it takes, to free our souls from the heinous agony and anguish of shame is the beginning of a total freedom that invokes Joy and the right to proclaim that which we were meant to be. The freedom of Soul to be kind because it is Its true nature to be so. Trusting that we were created in such a way that to be our True Selves is indeed a blessing unto itself.
Happy. With ourselves and our condition in life. I also notice that I feel much more inclined to be kind to others when my own internal state burns with this fire. I’d call that a deeply moving spiritual experience of the best kind possible.
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