I’ve been reflecting on the number of people I’ve held hostage in my life. Mind you, most of them don’t know this. These are people who are busy living their own lives, completely unaware that the images of their selves are serving a dual function on the planet.
But they’re here, all right. Right here in my mind. In service to one or another mental complex in which they play key roles.
I came to this discovery the other day when I realized that when I feel good about myself, I almost always have somebody in my mind that I’m helping. Well, now. That means that there always has to be somebody who NEEDs something from me.
This, oddly enough, is also something I complain about a fair amount. “All these people who only want to relate to me if they know they can get something from me.”
Every mental gyration I get caught in has somebody else involved – in the fabric of my mind. When I am angry? There is always somebody in my mind who is on the receiving end. Fearful? It is of a person or situation. Always.
I’ve begun a practice which is enormously freeing.
Every time I catch myself in one of these mind traps – in which I am royally helping this that or the other person “because they need it”, I stop. I say to them, (which is really to myself) –– “You are free. You are free to live your own life, not in service to my mind or ideas.” I’ve been doing this practice with every single sort of emotional complex I can find. When my mind is stuck in an angry voice toward someone – “You’re free.” The fear in the belly when I’m thinking about such and such? “Go live your life. You don’t need to dwell in the cave of my mind any more.” Gone.
This is incredibly powerful. And I find I am getting lighter and lighter.
Who am I, really, to hold these people hostage to the maladaptive thought processes in which they play such a pivotal role? Who am I to make them objects – pawns – in such an insane bit of internal warfare? I notice that I’ve been buying acceptance on the backs of people needing me for an awfully long time. And that I need someone to be angry at – if I am to be angry. Someone or something to be afraid of – if I am to feel fear.
We all suffer in that mix.
If I want anybody to accept me for who I really am – I have to show up. As me. Pure and simple. Not as “just” the person carrying the basket with the goodies to make others feel good. Yes, I may have a basket. And I may gladly share. But at not at my own expense. I am here, too.
If I am to be free of the anger that poisons mainly me – I have to give permission to each and every person to be living their lives free of the role I’m trying to put them in. (This is not to be confused with becoming a Pollyanna, BTW. It, paradoxically, also frees ME up to choose wisely in regards to others’ habits. To be kind to me, too.)
It is really nice. Freeing. For me.
And I notice, amazingly, that when/as I do this, I ENJOY showing up for and with others – exactly where they are! Sometimes words are said that ARE helpful. But there is a bigger energy matrix feeding it all and us all. No need for a vertical axis between humans in this mix, because we are ALL nourished by the same stream. And words shared, advice given, the listening ear – all of it shares equally in the dharma of life.
I find that, in giving others permission to be in their lives as they see fit, I also have the freedom to be wise about what I need and with whom I feel the best. The most comfortable; the most supported; the most real, giving and genuine.
It is freeing. For all of us.
Mary Ann Iyer, MD
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
What is our responsibility?
From a beloved reader:
“I have no trouble loving and feeling compassion for and ONE with those who are victims or activists or even clue less where I get stuck is attempting to even think about sexually abusing and making sex slaves of little children/girls, raping, torturing, murdering WAR etc. If I am ONE with that too how do I sleep at night or even think about the horrible suffering being caused etc. ???”
Sometimes the heart of man gets confused. Some reach out in violence in an attempt to connect. They have become so angry, they lash out in venomous spite of their own hurt.
I’ve noticed that if I accept at base that there are those on the planet who, thrashing around in their own roiling pain inflict pain on others, it allows me a different space of understanding and possibility. When I fully realize that this, too, is present here, I open to what is possible for ME, in it all.
We do not have to feel at one with such things to open our heart in compassion. There is a deeper responsibility in matters of the heart than sentiments can possibly evoke. The compassion of which we speak here is of stronger stuff than that. Our responsibility in these things goes far beyond feelings. When we get caught in the dynamic of that which is happening, we are lost in the suffering, itself. When we, instead, drop into a deeper matrix – that space from which we have all originated before we began to get confused – we can find the sustenance we need to effect change that is more kind.
Our true responsibility is to attend to the sacred heart of kindness, which does not have sentiment as part of either its evocation or its delivery. The responsibility of kindness is firm, steadfast and solid and ever looks within for the guidance and the strength to follow through on its path.
Maintaining our own intention to do no harm, and to allow for the healing possible to, for and through us in any given moment happens here – in this moment. In this. No matter what this “this” is. And no matter how the pain of the moment is being expressed or inflicted. Sometimes the compassionate expression of our heart in the moment of need is a forceful directive for change. To love those who are hurting is not to condone or support hurtful behavior, but rather to seek the skillful means by which EACH person in that dynamic is set free from the knot of recurring pain.
Since the details of this dynamic will vary according to the circumstance, we remain open to approach each specific situation simply with this intention: that we be available to the action needed in THIS moment for what we find – here. Reconfiguring what compassion looks like (or feels like) gives us greater bandwidth to do what is really needed. Skillful means sometimes looks harsh on the outside; but if our intention remains clear to reduce suffering; to do no harm, we will be cutting away the chaff not the heart of that which needs attention.
So, the point of all this is to focus less on feeling at one with a hurtful dynamic, and to utter the prayer of “what is needed here?” when we meet it. Then, to act courageously in the way to which we are called.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Shame
I’ve discovered that shame is the base and core of almost every non-kind thing I do. There is the first layer of recognition —of loneliness or fear or anger or feeling slighted or whatever. Then, there is the shame. When it oozes up from whatever dark depth it comes from and starts to adhere to all the other layers of thinking revolving around point ‘A’, it muddies the entire complexion of the game.
Like sticky glue, shame adheres to our soul and thinking. Thoughts goes awry in deep, cavernous places and ways such that we feel ourselves unable to attend to the most basic of wants, needs, desires. Having rendered our initial impulses as “not O.K”, we also have rendered ourselves incapable of fulfilling whatever the original need was! Hampered and hamstrung by our own thinking, magnetically pulled along the track of shame leads us ever and again into frustrated, angry silence and unfulfilled dreams and longings.
How can we ever, ever get what we want if the first utterance of telling ourselves the truth about what that might be is scuttled into the deep shame of “Forget it!”? Impossible. To tell the truth in any way is a step toward freedom, but especially as it involves ourselves. To just tell the truth upfront about original impulses as they arise – without shame – is indeed a form of liberation!
I see that to deal with the shame very directly – as the thing that most needs to heal – is the answer to many other unfulfilled dreams and desires. The first step is to recognize the falseness of early-learned messages that have burnt their way into our subconscious, telling us that the “perfection” for which we must strive is to be devoid of need, fear or longing. Giving ourselves permission to BE exactly as we are – the whole package of self – is indeed a comforting place to dwell!
Many religious doctrines and their perpetrators would shudder at this idea. Shame and fear – and instigation of self-loathing – has been a cornerpost for many to keep the fires of the faithful burning and returning people back to the hearth of the church seeking forgiveness for their mere existence. So, to find the freedom of soul that might be engendered if one is NOT shamed would purport a mass exodus from the chains that bind. It doesn’t need to be this way.
To become curious – not ashamed – of what such basic emotions as fear and anger are trying to tell us is to make life an adventure. We become unafraid to find out where we lead ourselves when unhampered by shame. To honestly want to know what it is we need; what we are trying to tell ourselves with the movement of emotions. To be not ashamed to be alive in our own skin – with all its moods, storms and weather. Whatever it takes, to free our souls from the heinous agony and anguish of shame is the beginning of a total freedom that invokes Joy and the right to proclaim that which we were meant to be. The freedom of Soul to be kind because it is Its true nature to be so. Trusting that we were created in such a way that to be our True Selves is indeed a blessing unto itself.
Happy. With ourselves and our condition in life. I also notice that I feel much more inclined to be kind to others when my own internal state burns with this fire. I’d call that a deeply moving spiritual experience of the best kind possible.
Like sticky glue, shame adheres to our soul and thinking. Thoughts goes awry in deep, cavernous places and ways such that we feel ourselves unable to attend to the most basic of wants, needs, desires. Having rendered our initial impulses as “not O.K”, we also have rendered ourselves incapable of fulfilling whatever the original need was! Hampered and hamstrung by our own thinking, magnetically pulled along the track of shame leads us ever and again into frustrated, angry silence and unfulfilled dreams and longings.
How can we ever, ever get what we want if the first utterance of telling ourselves the truth about what that might be is scuttled into the deep shame of “Forget it!”? Impossible. To tell the truth in any way is a step toward freedom, but especially as it involves ourselves. To just tell the truth upfront about original impulses as they arise – without shame – is indeed a form of liberation!
I see that to deal with the shame very directly – as the thing that most needs to heal – is the answer to many other unfulfilled dreams and desires. The first step is to recognize the falseness of early-learned messages that have burnt their way into our subconscious, telling us that the “perfection” for which we must strive is to be devoid of need, fear or longing. Giving ourselves permission to BE exactly as we are – the whole package of self – is indeed a comforting place to dwell!
Many religious doctrines and their perpetrators would shudder at this idea. Shame and fear – and instigation of self-loathing – has been a cornerpost for many to keep the fires of the faithful burning and returning people back to the hearth of the church seeking forgiveness for their mere existence. So, to find the freedom of soul that might be engendered if one is NOT shamed would purport a mass exodus from the chains that bind. It doesn’t need to be this way.
To become curious – not ashamed – of what such basic emotions as fear and anger are trying to tell us is to make life an adventure. We become unafraid to find out where we lead ourselves when unhampered by shame. To honestly want to know what it is we need; what we are trying to tell ourselves with the movement of emotions. To be not ashamed to be alive in our own skin – with all its moods, storms and weather. Whatever it takes, to free our souls from the heinous agony and anguish of shame is the beginning of a total freedom that invokes Joy and the right to proclaim that which we were meant to be. The freedom of Soul to be kind because it is Its true nature to be so. Trusting that we were created in such a way that to be our True Selves is indeed a blessing unto itself.
Happy. With ourselves and our condition in life. I also notice that I feel much more inclined to be kind to others when my own internal state burns with this fire. I’d call that a deeply moving spiritual experience of the best kind possible.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Constriction and the fight mentality
Excerpt from The Heart of Healing, by Mary Ann Wallace, MD*
True emotional wellness comes when you allow every single flavor of energy movement in the body, which means that every emotion must find its natural voice. When you begin to pay attention to your mental patterns, you will begin to notice a relationship between the thoughts you are thinking and the emotions you are carrying. Then you will begin to notice an interrelationship among your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical structure. For example, if you experience chronic fear or anger, your body will begin to reflect constriction, and the sensations associated with that constriction sooner or later can become pain. If you pay attention, your emotions can provide clues through your body to what is getting in the way of your free and authentic interaction with life. In fact, you possess the best biofeedback mechanism on the planet!
The quality of emotion or bodily sensation you experience in response to different life situations depends on your belief system. Problems arise when beliefs, and the resulting constriction, take over. Whatever your beliefs are, they typically reflect a recurring theme, and the storyline can be recognized in our cultural archetypes and myths. A first step in moving beyond the storyline is recognizing that you hold different elements of it within the physical structure of your body.
Find The Heart of Healing at www.amazon.com/author/mawallace or any bookstore on request.
True emotional wellness comes when you allow every single flavor of energy movement in the body, which means that every emotion must find its natural voice. When you begin to pay attention to your mental patterns, you will begin to notice a relationship between the thoughts you are thinking and the emotions you are carrying. Then you will begin to notice an interrelationship among your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical structure. For example, if you experience chronic fear or anger, your body will begin to reflect constriction, and the sensations associated with that constriction sooner or later can become pain. If you pay attention, your emotions can provide clues through your body to what is getting in the way of your free and authentic interaction with life. In fact, you possess the best biofeedback mechanism on the planet!
The quality of emotion or bodily sensation you experience in response to different life situations depends on your belief system. Problems arise when beliefs, and the resulting constriction, take over. Whatever your beliefs are, they typically reflect a recurring theme, and the storyline can be recognized in our cultural archetypes and myths. A first step in moving beyond the storyline is recognizing that you hold different elements of it within the physical structure of your body.
Find The Heart of Healing at www.amazon.com/author/mawallace or any bookstore on request.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Anger2
What do we do when we’ve lost our temper and said or done things that were hurtful? We regret our action but don’t know how to undo the damage. And – not knowing what to do – we often castigate ourselves into a hole deeper than where we started before our upset. In addition to lashing out against others, we usually also have a voice that goes on and on about our own badness. We become so convinced of these falsehoods of our own concoction that we end up in a quagmire - depressed and dejected.
Let’s pick the above sequence apart because it contains the clues we need to undo ongoing damage.
Let’s say we really let somebody have it. The barrage that came out with all the full force of anger was designed to hurt. In that moment, we had no interest in some spiritual idea of “revealing the truth”. Rather than cutting through falsehoods with the sharp words of our tongue, we added to the mound of problems. We obviously blew it. We’ve begun to see what we may have lost in all this. And now, we want to make it right.
Most of us fear anger precisely because we know that it can do great harm. When we want to make amends, we have a special vulnerability inside. Often in the mix is a sense of fear that our attempts might not work out. We may have done irreparable damage to someone or something we care about. If we’ve spoken from anger, we’ve unleashed a powerful force. We may feel confused and a little disoriented. We may be uncertain what we were really so mad about to start with. And what, exactly, that “truth” was that we were trying to get to.
Here is a key: if we let ourselves face squarely into what we most fear in this situation, we can open the channel for deeper awareness and healing. Because hatred and anger directed outward reflects a place of pain inside of the self – its occurrence is a powerful clue to look within. The anger is a call to attention. This is an enormously charged fulcrum upon which we can actuate the potential for change. As I mentioned earlier, there is often pain beneath our anger that has been too terrifying to yet face. It is trying to surface now for healing – all wrapped up in the protective garb of anger.
This is the path to freedom: go deeper into the fear space. Presume the worst you can imagine – then ask yourself “and this means ----?” Specifically, what does this (or might this) mean for you? What are the implications or possible ramifications of the damage you most fear in your life? Listen to the tone of voice you are using with (and/or against) yourself. What are you saying? Use FEAD here. Be kind. Embrace yourself. Be curious. Let your entire intention at first be to find and allow healing of the festering wound within. Remember that this is exploration for freedom. Your freedom. You might consider asking for help from a professional if the self-examination seems just too daunting.
The potential of anger energy is that, when harnessed to the desire for truth, it is a powerful force for good. The thing to remember is that whatever negative, critical attacks we levy against ourselves are the seeds that become future angry outbursts. More than any other place, this is where the anger cycle can most successfully be broken. When we begin to be kind to ourselves, it becomes possible to open in kindness to others. The process becomes self-sustaining. By treating ourselves with compassionate kindness and staying curious about “what just happened”, we are able to be receptive to others in a similar way. We then know, from a deeper place, how and what to say to “the other” to make amends. Because we have cleared our inner space, our words ring with the sincerity of clear intention.
www.maryanniyer.com
Let’s pick the above sequence apart because it contains the clues we need to undo ongoing damage.
Let’s say we really let somebody have it. The barrage that came out with all the full force of anger was designed to hurt. In that moment, we had no interest in some spiritual idea of “revealing the truth”. Rather than cutting through falsehoods with the sharp words of our tongue, we added to the mound of problems. We obviously blew it. We’ve begun to see what we may have lost in all this. And now, we want to make it right.
Most of us fear anger precisely because we know that it can do great harm. When we want to make amends, we have a special vulnerability inside. Often in the mix is a sense of fear that our attempts might not work out. We may have done irreparable damage to someone or something we care about. If we’ve spoken from anger, we’ve unleashed a powerful force. We may feel confused and a little disoriented. We may be uncertain what we were really so mad about to start with. And what, exactly, that “truth” was that we were trying to get to.
Here is a key: if we let ourselves face squarely into what we most fear in this situation, we can open the channel for deeper awareness and healing. Because hatred and anger directed outward reflects a place of pain inside of the self – its occurrence is a powerful clue to look within. The anger is a call to attention. This is an enormously charged fulcrum upon which we can actuate the potential for change. As I mentioned earlier, there is often pain beneath our anger that has been too terrifying to yet face. It is trying to surface now for healing – all wrapped up in the protective garb of anger.
This is the path to freedom: go deeper into the fear space. Presume the worst you can imagine – then ask yourself “and this means ----?” Specifically, what does this (or might this) mean for you? What are the implications or possible ramifications of the damage you most fear in your life? Listen to the tone of voice you are using with (and/or against) yourself. What are you saying? Use FEAD here. Be kind. Embrace yourself. Be curious. Let your entire intention at first be to find and allow healing of the festering wound within. Remember that this is exploration for freedom. Your freedom. You might consider asking for help from a professional if the self-examination seems just too daunting.
The potential of anger energy is that, when harnessed to the desire for truth, it is a powerful force for good. The thing to remember is that whatever negative, critical attacks we levy against ourselves are the seeds that become future angry outbursts. More than any other place, this is where the anger cycle can most successfully be broken. When we begin to be kind to ourselves, it becomes possible to open in kindness to others. The process becomes self-sustaining. By treating ourselves with compassionate kindness and staying curious about “what just happened”, we are able to be receptive to others in a similar way. We then know, from a deeper place, how and what to say to “the other” to make amends. Because we have cleared our inner space, our words ring with the sincerity of clear intention.
www.maryanniyer.com
Friday, August 19, 2011
Anger
Thank you for your requests for blog topics. This one - anger and what to do with it - has shown up as a question to me several times in the past year.
What is it about anger that makes us so badly want to be free of it? Is it the searing inner heat? The feeling out of control? The fear we might actually do harm we will later regret?
On the other hand, what is it that creates the sneaky desire we may have to keep it?
Many, but not all, religious disciplines admonish us to be free of anger. The advice they give for how to rid ourselves of this malady ranges from philosophical to paradoxically brutal. But perhaps the greatest motivator we have is that to feel angry is just plain uncomfortable. We frighten ourselves with our own vehemence.
Anger is a universal emotion. We all experience its ravages. And, so far as I can tell, any attempt to rid ourselves of anger (or any other emotion, for that matter) is doomed to failure. Resisting or pushing away any facet of our experience has the rather alarming effect of intensifying its hold on us.
Nor have I noticed relief with the free expression or so-called venting techniques which have the dual misfortune of stoking the fire within and potentially causing us to do irreparable harm to self or someone we love. It seems the more we express anger without concern for its effects, the more anger there is to express! There is a (sometimes not so) subtle boost we get from anger which permits us to overpower what may have been fearful or constraining.
So what is left to do?
Well — there truly is a different way. Odd as it sounds, fully allowing the sensation of anger while not acting on it can be the quickest way out of self-inflicted pain. Often our tendency to try to get rid of an emotion either by pushing it away (resisting) or venting it only makes matters worse. If, instead, we get curious about what we are trying to tell ourselves, we get to the matter at hand in such a way that finally allows true resolution. The FEAD technique(http://www.maryanniyer.com/Resources/article_FEAD-IJHC-%20Wallace-10-3.pdf) is wonderful for this — Face, Embrace, Allow space, invoke Divine grace. When you feel the rise of anger, immediately turn to yourself with curiosity. “Dear One, what is this? I am curious. I want to know. I am absolutely here with you. What is it you need?” What is revealed may or may not be realistic to the logical mind. It still needs attention.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: anything that remains bottled up, no matter how old — fear, hurt, opinion, truth, love — sooner or later must burst out. And if we’ve been squelching some intimate, essential part of ourselves, or in any way living a lie, it is likely to be a surge of anger that breaks open the cave to let it surface. Let that be. Although ranting and raving are not necessary for the expression of anger, sometimes it is exactly that which forces out the needed words.
Stay as open to yourself and the experience you are having as you can possibly be. When we adopt an attitude of genuine caring for that in us from which the lava of anger has arisen, we provide a different kind of “venting”. In this, we allow room for authentic resolution of whatever inner misalignment is going on to generate such heat in the first place. Sometimes these hidden spaces are like deep tectonic plates shifting to force the issue. This opens us to say exactly the words that we’ve been holding back and that need to be said. It is perhaps an honesty we’ve been too afraid to express because of presumed consequences. Or a fear, grief, or loneliness so great we haven’t dared to feel it, yet. Often there is pain beneath our feelings of anger that runs so deep that our fear of being destroyed by it keeps us denying, covering up, protecting ourselves.
Be curious. Be welcoming of every (denied) part of yourself needing attention. It is not the anger needing attention — that is just the torrent carrying the message. Strive with all your might to hear the voice under or within or at the base of the anger.
When we do this, there is really no need to focus on getting rid of anger. Once that which needs our attention is recognized, the anger seems to evaporate as mist. It was just the conduit — the lava bringing the message to the surface. The self-contained impetus anger seems to have to maintain itself points to the desperate need of something needing attention. Once its service is over, anger no longer exists. It really never did exist in the first place, independent of that which it was serving.
Joy to you ~ Mary Ann
www.maryanniyer.com
What is it about anger that makes us so badly want to be free of it? Is it the searing inner heat? The feeling out of control? The fear we might actually do harm we will later regret?
On the other hand, what is it that creates the sneaky desire we may have to keep it?
Many, but not all, religious disciplines admonish us to be free of anger. The advice they give for how to rid ourselves of this malady ranges from philosophical to paradoxically brutal. But perhaps the greatest motivator we have is that to feel angry is just plain uncomfortable. We frighten ourselves with our own vehemence.
Anger is a universal emotion. We all experience its ravages. And, so far as I can tell, any attempt to rid ourselves of anger (or any other emotion, for that matter) is doomed to failure. Resisting or pushing away any facet of our experience has the rather alarming effect of intensifying its hold on us.
Nor have I noticed relief with the free expression or so-called venting techniques which have the dual misfortune of stoking the fire within and potentially causing us to do irreparable harm to self or someone we love. It seems the more we express anger without concern for its effects, the more anger there is to express! There is a (sometimes not so) subtle boost we get from anger which permits us to overpower what may have been fearful or constraining.
So what is left to do?
Well — there truly is a different way. Odd as it sounds, fully allowing the sensation of anger while not acting on it can be the quickest way out of self-inflicted pain. Often our tendency to try to get rid of an emotion either by pushing it away (resisting) or venting it only makes matters worse. If, instead, we get curious about what we are trying to tell ourselves, we get to the matter at hand in such a way that finally allows true resolution. The FEAD technique(http://www.maryanniyer.com/Resources/article_FEAD-IJHC-%20Wallace-10-3.pdf) is wonderful for this — Face, Embrace, Allow space, invoke Divine grace. When you feel the rise of anger, immediately turn to yourself with curiosity. “Dear One, what is this? I am curious. I want to know. I am absolutely here with you. What is it you need?” What is revealed may or may not be realistic to the logical mind. It still needs attention.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: anything that remains bottled up, no matter how old — fear, hurt, opinion, truth, love — sooner or later must burst out. And if we’ve been squelching some intimate, essential part of ourselves, or in any way living a lie, it is likely to be a surge of anger that breaks open the cave to let it surface. Let that be. Although ranting and raving are not necessary for the expression of anger, sometimes it is exactly that which forces out the needed words.
Stay as open to yourself and the experience you are having as you can possibly be. When we adopt an attitude of genuine caring for that in us from which the lava of anger has arisen, we provide a different kind of “venting”. In this, we allow room for authentic resolution of whatever inner misalignment is going on to generate such heat in the first place. Sometimes these hidden spaces are like deep tectonic plates shifting to force the issue. This opens us to say exactly the words that we’ve been holding back and that need to be said. It is perhaps an honesty we’ve been too afraid to express because of presumed consequences. Or a fear, grief, or loneliness so great we haven’t dared to feel it, yet. Often there is pain beneath our feelings of anger that runs so deep that our fear of being destroyed by it keeps us denying, covering up, protecting ourselves.
Be curious. Be welcoming of every (denied) part of yourself needing attention. It is not the anger needing attention — that is just the torrent carrying the message. Strive with all your might to hear the voice under or within or at the base of the anger.
When we do this, there is really no need to focus on getting rid of anger. Once that which needs our attention is recognized, the anger seems to evaporate as mist. It was just the conduit — the lava bringing the message to the surface. The self-contained impetus anger seems to have to maintain itself points to the desperate need of something needing attention. Once its service is over, anger no longer exists. It really never did exist in the first place, independent of that which it was serving.
Joy to you ~ Mary Ann
www.maryanniyer.com
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