Making Tough Decisions

From a Dear Reader:
I long/have resistance to moving to a beautiful, supportive but rustic Hermitage that’s run by nuns. I’ve been debating this for over a year now, and still never get a clear answer. Sometimes my heart pulls me so strongly I feel like I could almost teleport. But I visited for two weeks last year and couldn’t wait to leave, so I also have to listen to that. At times, each is equally strong.

I have found both the place of happiness and yearning in my heart, and then also the place of what didn’t work, that feeling in the pit of the stomach. I have a real connection with one nun, and I yearn to be able to take some of the responsibilities from her. There are many reasons this should work, but it’s a big step to take if I’m not sure.

When I visited last year it just wasn’t what I’d expected. It was cold, there was no outhouse near my cabin, there was a lot of hiking that my out-of-shape body didn’t like. It was a totally different energy than I’m used to and I wonder if I will be comfortable with it if I return?

I know you can’t decide for me, but perhaps you can help me determine how to decide between the feelings for or against. Thank you so much, if you have time to answer this.
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– I hug you in your earnest efforts – really to be enlightened. The good heart you bring to it. The fullness. The deep desire.

First, I want to deeply express the awareness that you know deep in your bones what is right for you. Anything and everything I say is only to support or incite or bring to surface awareness of that Wisdom you contain on your own behalf. It is the best that can happen.

I hear, first: your longing to move to the rustic Hermitage. The heart pull. The yearning both to be there in the beauty, and to help with their work. And, the resistance to the same. The idea you have of the place is/was different than the reality you encountered. A community you weren’t expecting and with which you were not comfortable. The cold. The environment being less hospitable than it was in your imaginings.

I don’t know what is right for you. But, I do know that – for me – I stay most on track when I tell myself the truth of my experience as I’m having it. When the yearnings I feel have a component of imagining: “I would”, “It would” – meaning – a projected likelihood for something that in my mind’s eye would fulfill the yearning, I can go astray. Not because the yearning is off. But because the imagined solution may or may not be what I imagine it to be.

So, the seduction becomes either:
- To believe that which our mind has created will solve our longing
- Or give up on our longing, believing since our ideas keep leading us into disappointment, the longing itself must be at fault.

There is another way. To surrender into the experience of the moment means to also accept ourselves deeply and fully in our experience. In OUR experience – the reality we are personally, ourselves experiencing. This includes our yearnings. Our longings. It also includes the experience we are having when we are actually IN the situation we imagined would be “the solution” to that yearning.

Don’t shy away from these experiences too soon. Surrender more deeply INTO it. From the depth of the yearning cry out. There is a Divine who hears us. Of this I have become sure. When we live so deeply in our raw authenticity, the Universe DOES respond. It is only those voices in the head that decry the very essence of our heart’s yearnings that get in the way. Those voices that try to wrestle us into some sort of logical progression along the Spiritual Path. Spirituality of the Heart is more messy than that. It comes up in spews of Truth. Unasked for, in response to what is in front of us. To do. To respond to. To listen to. To answer.

So – listen to your heart in the middle of any experience you are having. That means, when sitting alone at home, feel deeply the raw edges of loneliness or yearning or whatever it is for you. And ask for that to be healed. To be filled. And wait. Wait. Turn towards yourself with full love. Full compassion. Full longing for the easing of this suffering. Full acceptance. Full acceptance.
That for which you have been longing fills you up in that waiting. It comes unbidden to those who are still long enough for it to get in through the cracks in the door. And then, when your body feels the impulse to move to the next thing, do so fully.

Wherever you are, there will be that which arises. When in the cold damp of the Hermitage, sit with the discomfort. We are led to that which is the appropriate response from being completely in the experience. And, sometimes that is a simple solution. A warm blanket. Or – a move to a warmer clime, because – really – this is what we need. Sort of like – hunger’s simple solution is to eat.

But, sometimes the solution is of a deeper sort. And the yearning of the Heart is of that deeper sort.
So, sit still longer with the yearning. NOT to make it go away. But, surrender to its pull. Welcome it. Invite it. Thank it for where it will lead you. And what it will lead to you – into your life, by its magnetic pull. It happens.

What begins to happen then is synchronicity. Of the sort that brings in more tangible effects of this. But, it doesn’t work to seek the tangible first. It just doesn’t. Because – it isn’t the tangible that is the answer to our yearning. Not ever. The tangible is just the wrapper the Universe devises to dress it up. Never get confused about this. The wrapper is not the gift. Carbon based forms fall away. The living, vibrant Center of Life – which we are – and which we yearn to touch, savor and know – this lives forever.

It is us. It is what we are looking for.

There is also this technique of boring down into the simplicities. Noticing. The yearning specifically for what? Peace. Serenity. Community. Loving the connection with a specific person. And move/act on those specific elements; without getting attached to a specific environment in which we think it will all be. Let the Universe step in more deeply. Most of all –notice that edge where you don’t trust that. That thought-place – that mistrust/distrust – is a mental conglomerate. A block. A solid spot that we all trip over when it comes in. And – usually – it’s that one big, deep area where we long the most. Where we fear the most. Where we most wish it would work out. That’s where the lack of trust trips us up. “Everywhere but HERE”, we think. “These principles work everywhere but here. This one is too big.”

It isn’t. It isn’t too big. This is the rock in front of the cave of enlightenment. That place where we argue that this – “THIS is where we can’t trust God. THIS is too big. HERE – we need to take over to figure it out.” We think we know this because of the immensity of our disappointment with what the Universe has given us in this particular region/issue/place.

Here – here is where the healing has to happen. And the healing always involves surrendering more deeply to the Life that is really in charge. It almost always includes forgiveness. Of every part of our life where that didn’t work out (how the longing got there). Of every person involved. And, most of all – of ourselves.

So much love to you – you are Blessed. You are a seeker of the Highest we can achieve in this lifetime --- the awareness of Life, Itself. Your Heart is Golden ~

Change from Peace (2)

Many of the people with whom I closely associate perceive that the world is in a heap of trouble. It seems the status quo is on a collision course with its own unsustainable future. The current trajectory includes an economic system based on infinite growth and a population boom that won’t stop expanding. Earth is a finite object, and it is where we live. Greed, avarice, financial-only based value systems – all of it – contribute to a malfeasant “bottom-line”.

We all – my friends and I – agree that to live simply, conserve, waste not, and consume little are good things to do. We share a belief in focusing on friendships, not malls, as where we gain sustenance in our lives.

But then, there is a divergence of attitudes. Some argue that “if you’re not afraid, you obviously don’t get the magnitude of the problem”; while others maintain that a fear-based response to the problems at hand is likely to keep the dilemma going.

Since I am of the latter group, it is easiest for me to speak from and about this viewpoint. I notice that fear often leads to attack, which is part of the problematic dynamic in the first place. Recognizing a situation of the magnitude of the one facing us can also be an invitation to dig down deeper into our own psyches to collectively find a different way to go about doing things. Making decisions from a space of peace, with actions designed as kindness to all involved would be a distinctly different way of going about things. Peace as a format really does require each of us, individually, to find that place-of-peace in our own souls. Otherwise it is simply lip-service – which sounds rather like the basis for thinking that got us into this mess.

Being deeply authentic and sincere in the actions of peace can only come about when – we are peaceful. And that, it turns out, is (or can be) hard work. It requires being honest with ourselves about our own fear, loathing, hatred and condemnation and facing these places squarely inside ourselves.

The goal, here, is peace as our operating principle. Because this will most likely support acts of kindness that accommodate the wellbeing of others as well as ourselves. This dynamic can only start from within each of us as an operative space. That means that we allow any fear or anger we feel about a situation to lead us into the place where we tell the truth in a way that deeply intends no harm – to self or the other. This is the collective difference we most need to make. The recognition that to do harm to any other by acts that originate from greed, fear or anger ultimately harms the soil on which we stand.

Live. And die.

Busy

Tibetan Dzogchen master Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche describes the shock he experienced when he first came to the United States. Again and again, he heard a strange mantra: “I’m busy.” He came to realize that to say “I’m not busy” would be construed to mean there was something wrong. Something abnormal.

This rings true with my experience. When I resigned the Medical Director position of the Integrative Medicine program I developed in Corvallis, OR, I went through a prolonged period of distinct discomfort. Not because I had relinquished my role or responsibilities, but because there was no longer a succinct answer to the perpetual question of “what do you do?” Linking our identities to our functions is such a pervasive thing that the accompanying busyness associated has become a requisite to being defined as having value at all.

To “do nothing” is to BE nothing. A bum. A free-loader. A --- nothing.

Or so we think.

What if we unhinge that particular sequence, just for the folly of exploration? What if – just what if – we can BE, first? Just be. Try it now. See what happens. Notice your breathing, sensations, thoughts, feelings – all arising and then passing away. Notice the spaciousness within which all this happens. How peaceful, immense and grand it is.

What I‘ve noticed is that doing also arises from this spaciousness. Like every breath in inevitably leads to a breath out. Or vice versa. But the doing that arises from sequencing the dynamic in this way is ever so much more comfortable. Truer to self. Congruent with my inner state of happiness.

Lest you get the squeamies from the idea that you’ll never be functional again, I assure you that exactly the opposite is true. It’s even possible to accept a long-term job commitment under these conditions. But we won’t be confused, thinking that the ensuing busy-ness of our work is what defines our value. And, because the principles of a place chosen from inner awareness are more likely to be aligned with our values, it will not feel like a death sentence to our soul. It is possible to be settled with activities that are a cheerful alternative to mind-numbing, soul scorching work, if we choose from the inner state of peace and “yes” in the first place.

It’s taken me a few years to be comfortable with this. But I can honestly say that by focusing on my inner state as the central issue most needing attention, I’ve found such creative ideas of what to “do” with my time. I lOVE the experience of sharing from the heart. Whether that is to share my goods with a person who needs them, or my time for a cause. Whether to accept a position aligned with my values in a principled place, or to spend a weekend in silent meditation. The variability to the actions of my days still leaves me in a quandary as to how to answer the question: “What do you do?”, but I find myself more in tune with a river of peace by following this path in life.

We tend to choose our commitments more wisely when we rest first in the abiding peace of Being.
As we’ve so often heard: “Seek ye first the kingdom within”. Indeed, all things ARE aligned with that state when we do. Being in peace ensures that we peacefully respond to each situation that is best geared for the need of that moment, because we are not locked into a preformed idea of “who we are” as an external function. If we are busy, it is of this moment, and there may well be equally comfortable moments when we can say, with clear conscience: “I’m enjoying not being busy right now. And you?”

Stillness

Many of us long for respite from all the busyness of life. The hectic pace that fills our days.

How do we find calm in the middle of all that “needs to be done”? Here’s what I’ve noticed: Any circumstance, no matter how chaotic in appearance, does contain a still, quiet kernel of truth awaiting our recognition. The "eye of the storm" is aptly named. We can think in terms of staying in the presence of the "I-in-the-Center" regardless of any uproar. The eternal Self which is changeless, timeless and ever present can be our focus at any time.

It is often the chaos of our own minds that we are dealing with. When we attend to the inner spaces, many of our external circumstances clear up on their own. Sometimes having greater clarity of thought permits us to make proper choices relative to a situation. At other times clearing the misperceptions of our own mind is all that is required to see a clearer, less troublesome reality.

What does this mean: "clarity of mind"? Like a still pool with perfectly clear water, our minds reflect with a great intensity of accuracy when quiet. Quiet. Hard to even imagine in today's society, with its bustling noise. Most people are in constant stress. Yet, it is precisely in these circumstances that we most need to quiet our minds ... to be still.

If we are accustomed to nonstop activity, it may take a while to slow down enough to even notice that we have thoughts. At times it requires of us to stand apart from the busy world to remember how to be quiet.

We must start within, even in the midst of the hubbub. Especially in the hubbub. Taking a deep breath can relieve some of the tension we carry in any moment. At an even deeper level, we can breathe into the awareness of the eternal breath. Notice – just notice – the thoughts zooming by. As thoughts. Things zipping through our minds.

Not us. These thoughts are not who we are.

We are eternal in the truth of us. The deep quiet and joy of the Garden of Eden still exists, and the only requisite to get back is to come back to Center. Herein, we have begun the journey home.

Getting Rid of Ego

I recently heard a spiritual pundit admonish his audience to “rid themselves of ego”.

Call it ego, but this runs counter to what I find helpful. I like what Jack Kornfield says: “Enlightenment must be lived here and now through this very body or else it is not genuine.” Not that the body is the ego, but we do feel the many nuances of our “ego” in the body. Every fear we have, every thought, every miff is defined in the body as the sensations we experience. It is through our bodies that we recognize ourselves as individuals in the vast mix of life on this planet. Self who is separate. This sense of being separate defines, in loose parlance, our ego.

It instantly gets complicated.

Because the thoughts and beliefs we embody as a separate self are often cluttered with debris of prior traumas and unkind things taught to us (about ourselves). And every single thought or idea we’ve embraced as part of that “self-who-is-separate” gets involved in every future interaction we have in life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Fears get compounded and aggravated by experiences that line up with our worst thoughts about ourselves and/or life.

Here’s what I’ve noticed. Unless I am really gentle with that place in me that gets all riled up with these threats-to-myself, it only makes matters worse. If I pound on my fear – my ego – with the stern hand of one who is trying to get me in line, to eliminate all this malarkey, I REALLY quake inside. And then go into hiding so I won't notice.

The brutal voice of “reason” is, itself, only another manifestation of ego, of course. That which is separate who “knows” how we “should” be. But, it, too, needs kindness. If we turn around and get into a big fat argument with that part of ourselves it quickly escalates into an all-out war.

See what I mean about being complicated?

So, I notice that the remedy on every front turns out to be kindness. Those Buddhists are on to something when they talk about loving-kindness. It IS the way out. By being gentle and curious, patient and kind, with every single aspect of ourselves that shows up bruised, broken and afraid, we stand a chance for the deep healing we crave. We find we can stand up without fear in this vast world of ours. To take up space and breathe some precious air. To smile and be brave and glad we’re alive.

As the separate entities that we – at least for now – are.

Change from Peace

I hear from you: so many who are feeling the stress of deep change in and on our planet right now. Many familiar systems that are in place are simply not sustainable. And – what can we really do to make a difference? The feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming; the despair crippling.

I suggest what may seem radical in the face of this despair.

Surrender.

Surrendering into the suchness of this moment does not mean resignation to the circumstances. Finding legitimate gratitude and joy where we are does not mean disowning, suppressing or repressing aspects of our situation we find painful. Staying astutely honest with ourselves about all the facets of our experience most aptly enables us to make the changes we need for our well-being.

Being at peace where we are does not mean it will not and cannot change. In fact, it is safe to say it will. All things do. To stay awake to the opportunities for active choices and decisions that are kind to us and our planet in the face of the continual flux that life is – is precisely what steers us where we next need to be, to do that which we most need to do. The circumstance of the moment is our truing tool.

The present moment we most need to accept is that moment which is our-self. Our experience in this moment – right now. Wrapping around our experience with compassionate acceptance gives us the space we need, to live through that which is in us to be.

Stay with your sensations. Embrace them. Be curious about them. Inquire, “Yes, what am I to know here?”

Only by developing a kind inner space will we ever effect lasting change for good on the planet. It is the only way we can make choices based on peace. Agitation begets agitation. Action that arises from a center of peace is on the mark. Always.

Allow the healing of the pain within you in this moment. In every moment in which it appears. Accept. Embrace. Allow space. FEAD1 it differently. Create a safe space in which you can live in peace with yourself.

Be the center of Peace we all need. It is such an important thing you can do. For all of us.

1 http://www.maryanniyer.com/articlesbydr.iye.html. FEAD Yourself a Different Way.

Psychology

We’ve come a long way in our practice of psychology. Our understanding has traversed the field of Freudian analysis, based on the premise of the psyche’s neuroses, and through Skinner’s behaviorism, nested in the notion that we all function as instinct-driven animals. Trainable but dumb. Jung, a protégé of Freud, introduced mysticism by way of archetypal characterizations. All of this was pretty heady stuff, though – oriented to and for the intellect and the intellectual.

Emotive-based therapies – think the primal scream – landed us squarely into the realm of the emotions, themselves, as that with which we need to deal. The notion was that by “releasing” emotions by “expressing” them we could empty the tank of the toxin. Now we understand, via such fields as psychoneuroimmunology and neuroplasticity, that neurons that fire together fuse in their synergy. Parts of the brain, such as the amygdala, map to certain high octane emotions of a negative nature, and the more of a workout they get, the more robust they become.

Enter meditation and mindfulness – the stuff of the ancient mystical traditions – and we finally have a formula that blends all of the above bodies of wisdom. By recognizing our thoughts and emotions, and observing them as passing phenomena, we employ the wisdom gleaned from Freud’s day when the inner landscape first became palpable as a place to work. We embrace the archetypal energy patterns unveiled and elucidated by Jung. We acknowledge and allow for the full panoply of the emotional field uncovered and portrayed by the emotives – without burning them into ever more deeply etched grooves in our neuronal systems by continually expressing that which we least want, as recent scientific explorations have discovered to be relevant.

We allow. We admit. We become curious as to the inner self and the possibilities there. We embrace what we find. We repress nothing, suppress nothing, and give expression to that which we wish to grow.

It is the wisdom of the time. For a practical method that uses this wisdom in day-to-day life, see: http://www.maryanniyer.com/articlesbydr.wal.html, and scroll down to the FEAD Yourself a Different Way article.

Sometimes Spaciousness Calls

If you’ve been feeling out of sorts lately – wanting “time-out” from frenzy and busyness – you’re not alone. In the increasingly frenetic pace of modern times, we who stroll to a slower drummer find ourselves longing for a simpler time. It may be fantasia. It may be our lives never were all that simple.

But we long for it just the same.

We long for lingering conversations that take the time to circle ‘round to a depth of feeling in which we know our souls have touched. We wonder, some days, what we’ve “accomplished”, though we’re sure we feel exhausted by the labor if it.

We yearn for the caress of a soft breeze on our cheek and a smiling sun that we pause to feel in our heart.

And we know there is something missing when we’re just plain busy.

How can this be? That when our time slots are the most crammed we can feel the most empty? We recognize that our nurturance and sustenance come from something other than “things”, including “things on our calendar to do”.

There’s a different math involved here. That which seems empty is full. The deep quiet is brimming with life. In us abides a secret longing to awaken to that quiet space – the Source of all the “things of form”. When we notice the lack of fulfillment in the clutter of busyness, we often gain the necessary motivation to commit to the arduous task of this awakening.

It is not that there is an absence of life in the things of this world. Rather, we can hardly notice the burgeoning life of “here” when we scurry along with the primary focus of trying to get to the next thing “on time”. Sinking into the depth needed to notice the fullness of the moment needs a pause. Enough time for the breath to get in before we shove it out and on to the next item on the list.

Some may have perfected the art of “being in the moment” so adroitly that they can fully fathom every pin’s head of experience. But, for most of us, we need enough time to gather all of ourself into the experience of the moment in order to plumb its potential juice.

Sometimes we want to stand still long enough to savor. This moment. This dialogue. This taste. This experience.

Because – sometimes Spaciousness is calling us Home.

Being at Peace where We Are

I’ve been grappling with a question a beloved reader sent: how to feel peace in a world so torn by war and greed, rape of the environment and each other?

It can be a hard world. The news bears that out and drives it home. I’m not sure it’s ever been otherwise, but the sheer volume – of people; of the technologies that make destruction possible more rapidly; of the frequency we are reminded of trouble via media – has upped the ante of our experience of it all. I, too, have wondered, “what to do?” Here are a few of my thoughts.

We tend to think that the only way to provide relief from suffering is to fix something. Something outside of us that is terribly wrong. Obviously something is wrong – or else why would there be so much suffering? In our frantic search for “what to do?” we often feel ourselves worn out and drug down. Hopeless. Defeated.

And, indeed, there are things that, being changed, would reduce the suffering for many. But I’ve concluded that turning our faces to the sun for a little will not likely make matters worse for our lack of attention. Like a plant fixing nitrogen in the soil to enrich it, allowing a few rays of joy into our own lives and hearts can do more good than all the worrying we might be doing. This is not an act of denial, but rather an act of allowance. Allowing the Sunshine in. A bit of Divine Grace. Giving ourselves the nourishment we need to follow-through with the Heart’s inspiration for action.

This is not to imply a judgment against ourselves if we are feeling depressed about the state of affairs – in the world or in our lives. Rather, it is a call for attention of a different sort. To turn around and be caring for the suffering we, ourselves, hold is a bigger step than we realize. If we wait to attend to our own Precious Hearts until after the world is cleaned up, we may miss a whole lot of life. A lifetime spent in the dregs has not likely helped the state of the world, either. If there is a hidden belief that we are not allowed to feel Joy while others suffer, it is a consignment to hell - because when will that be, exactly?

Try this: face that place inside that is suffering. Go there. Imagine putting your arms around her/him. Say “I care.” Pause. Just hold you for a while, pouring the caring of your heart into this place of suffering. Then – imagine allowing a little space in which you open in genuine curiosity. Ask: “What do you need?” Keep it personal. Don’t set yourself up for failure by making your own happiness dependent on the state of the world or other people’s behavior. This is hopeless. Rather, keep it at the level of self-honesty – for self. This is not as selfish as it may sound, as we’ll see in a moment.

Finally, simply invite Divine Grace – or wisdom – in. Imagine handing the inner turmoil over to a Benevolent One. Be receptive to help – in whatever form and surprise it may take. Stay receptive as ideas come to you, and then stay receptive for a while longer to feel yourself deeply nourished. Whatever you feel called to do will then be tapped into a well of nurturance that you can return to again and again – independent of outcomes or reactions from the outside world.

What I find is that to be of an open Heart within myself, living in an internal environment that is kind, I have the energy to “show up” where I’m needed. Depressed? Not so much.

Being kind to ourselves is under-rated – and not a substitute for caring for the world. It is, rather, at the very core of it!

www.maryanniyer.com
September, 2011