Anger2

What do we do when we’ve lost our temper and said or done things that were hurtful? We regret our action but don’t know how to undo the damage. And – not knowing what to do – we often castigate ourselves into a hole deeper than where we started before our upset. In addition to lashing out against others, we usually also have a voice that goes on and on about our own badness. We become so convinced of these falsehoods of our own concoction that we end up in a quagmire - depressed and dejected.

Let’s pick the above sequence apart because it contains the clues we need to undo ongoing damage.

Let’s say we really let somebody have it. The barrage that came out with all the full force of anger was designed to hurt. In that moment, we had no interest in some spiritual idea of “revealing the truth”. Rather than cutting through falsehoods with the sharp words of our tongue, we added to the mound of problems. We obviously blew it. We’ve begun to see what we may have lost in all this. And now, we want to make it right.

Most of us fear anger precisely because we know that it can do great harm. When we want to make amends, we have a special vulnerability inside. Often in the mix is a sense of fear that our attempts might not work out. We may have done irreparable damage to someone or something we care about. If we’ve spoken from anger, we’ve unleashed a powerful force. We may feel confused and a little disoriented. We may be uncertain what we were really so mad about to start with. And what, exactly, that “truth” was that we were trying to get to.

Here is a key: if we let ourselves face squarely into what we most fear in this situation, we can open the channel for deeper awareness and healing. Because hatred and anger directed outward reflects a place of pain inside of the self – its occurrence is a powerful clue to look within. The anger is a call to attention. This is an enormously charged fulcrum upon which we can actuate the potential for change. As I mentioned earlier, there is often pain beneath our anger that has been too terrifying to yet face. It is trying to surface now for healing – all wrapped up in the protective garb of anger.

This is the path to freedom: go deeper into the fear space. Presume the worst you can imagine – then ask yourself “and this means ----?” Specifically, what does this (or might this) mean for you? What are the implications or possible ramifications of the damage you most fear in your life? Listen to the tone of voice you are using with (and/or against) yourself. What are you saying? Use FEAD here. Be kind. Embrace yourself. Be curious. Let your entire intention at first be to find and allow healing of the festering wound within. Remember that this is exploration for freedom. Your freedom. You might consider asking for help from a professional if the self-examination seems just too daunting.

The potential of anger energy is that, when harnessed to the desire for truth, it is a powerful force for good. The thing to remember is that whatever negative, critical attacks we levy against ourselves are the seeds that become future angry outbursts. More than any other place, this is where the anger cycle can most successfully be broken. When we begin to be kind to ourselves, it becomes possible to open in kindness to others. The process becomes self-sustaining. By treating ourselves with compassionate kindness and staying curious about “what just happened”, we are able to be receptive to others in a similar way. We then know, from a deeper place, how and what to say to “the other” to make amends. Because we have cleared our inner space, our words ring with the sincerity of clear intention.

www.maryanniyer.com